For most of my life, I have wrestled with perfectionism. Unfortunately, this has led me to many an ungrateful moment when others try to “help.”
Focusing on Un-Met Expectations
For the first several years of our marriage, I would grumble when my husband wouldn’t put clothes in the dryer long enough. He would pull them out warm, not realizing they were still damp. Often, he just left them in the basket, and I would find them later, dry but now wrinkled. I would mutter under my breath and throw them back in the dryer to fluff.
With a not-so-subtle roll of the eyes, I would unfold and re-fold the towels the right way before stacking them on the bathroom shelf. How did he not know the right way?
Then there was the way he made the bed - he didn’t tuck the sheets in or pull the corners tight. To my horror, one morning I discovered he had put the comforter on with the stripes horizontal rather than vertical, the way they were supposed to go.
Rather than seeing the intent of his heart, which was to bless me, too often I focused on how his gift of help did not meet my expectations.
Softening Criticism with Gratitude
One day, the Lord opened my eyes to this pattern of ungratefulness. As I put my hand into yet another basket of damp laundry, I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me and say, “Cheryl. Look at how much your husband wants to help you. This is a man who cares about you, who is trying to lighten your load.”
As I slowly began to recognize my own persnickety standards—that only I could meet appropriately—I also began to see the heart of this dear man who was truly trying to help.
When I allowed the Holy Spirit to show me the heart of my giving husband, my criticisms became softened by true gratitude. I had to trade imy expectations and learn to receive with a grateful heart his acts of service born out of love for me.
Getting to Know the Heart of the Giver
God, the great gift-giver, is our ever-present help in trouble (Psalm 4:1). But sometimes I have even struggled with His “help” not being given the way I think it should—what seems to me to be the right way.
When I pray specifically so that God knows exactly how I want a prayer to be answered, and He answers another way, sometimes I grumble.
In my disappointment, I focus on how I thought the prayer should’ve been answered, rather than on this good and loving God who has my best interests at heart.
How can I move from a selfish response to a humble, grateful one? There is only one way: by getting to know the heart of the Giver.
By spending time in His Word, I can see His character. I learn that everything He does has a purpose and is part of a larger picture. There’s more than one way to fold a towel, after all.
When I remember that He sees all the interconnecting pieces surrounding my prayer request, I can take my eyes off my own desires and remember Who He is. And that what He really wants is to pull me closer to Himself.
Drawing near to the One who loves me the most helps me to trust not only in His good gifts—but in His goodness. Even when His methods don’t match my expectations, the love behind them gives me reason to be grateful.
Trading Expectations for a Grateful Heart
Over the last 30-plus years I have learned to simply say, “thank you” to my husband when he helps around the house. Instead of seeing missed crumbs on the counter or creatively folded laundry, I choose to see the heart of someone who loves me and wants to help.
And when prayers are answered differently than I had hoped, or sometimes not at all, I can truly be thankful for a God whose way is so much better than mine.
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