People Over Perfection: 5 Tips to Help You When Tiny Distractions Take Over

Have you ever found yourself in a friend’s living room when you suddenly noticed a picture on the wall that was crooked? Did it occupy your attention for too long, leaving you unsettled and distracted until you walked over and straightened it?

What about the last time you were having lunch with someone and noticed they had a tiny piece of spinach lodged between their front teeth from their salad? Did you alert the person? Or did it become a magnet that drew your eyes and made you forget what was being said?

And how are you when it comes to toilet paper? I mean, do you know the “right” way it should be placed on the holder?

Little things like these can be the bane of the perfectionist. Minuscule distractions are like a grain of sand in our eye—tiny, but excruciating until they’re dealt with.

I’ve shared before how early in my marriage I was convinced my husband did everything wrong—from folding the towels to making the bed to loading the dishwasher. And while I have gotten better at withholding criticisms when others don’t abide by my standards, I still can’t help but tear off that annoying sliver of paper towel that dangles from the perforation. Or lick my finger and dab at a smudge of chocolate on my daughter’s cheek.

My daughter is 27.

But "God is a God of Order"

So, when addressing our tidy tendencies, let’s start with God. Yes, He is a God of order—the perfectionist’s favorite attribute.

“For God is not a God of disorder but of peace!” I would crow as I followed behind my kids when they were small, “helping” them pick up their toys (1 Cor. 14:33).

There is truth in this verse, of course, but in context we see that these words were given to the church at Corinth, whose worship gatherings had disintegrated into chaos. What was important to God there was the clear presentation of the Scriptures and the orderly sharing of the Lord’s supper, so that unbelievers would be drawn into the fellowship and not repulsed by gluttony and confusion. Not whether the napkins were folded wrong, or someone’s belt didn’t match his tunic. These things sound like something a Pharisee would criticize.

Fight the Temptation to Phari-size

Interestingly, Jesus had some things to say to the Pharisees about their finicky, man-made rules.

He boldly pointed out that everything they did was for show (Matthew 23:4-5), and that “you are careful to tithe even the tiniest income from your herb gardens, but you ignore the more important aspects of the law—justice, mercy, and faith. You should tithe, yes, but do not neglect the more important things” (v. 23).

Now, I’m not calling us Pharisees. But you and I should be mindful that the little things we try to fix or adjust, which give us a tiny sense of control in our everyday lives, could lead us to neglect “the more important things.” They seem harmless, and I still roll my eyes when Jim purposely leaves a ragged edge on the paper towel roll just to see if I can leave it alone. (I usually can’t.)

If left unchecked, these little habits that feel tidy and helpful can become bigger than they should be—this type of nitpicky thought pattern easily lends itself to legalism in other areas of life.

How will we know when we've gone too far? When we start hurting the people we love.

The daughter I mentioned above is 27, yes, but she has some challenges that make it difficult for her to realize there is food on her face or that her glasses are dirty. My habit since she was small has been to constantly, almost obsessively, straighten the crooked, smooth the wrinkled, and clean the smudged. It drives her crazy. After all, she knows how old she is.

People Over Perfect. Always.

There comes a time when preserving our relationship with others must trump our desire to have control.

To clarify, when my need to straighten the lovely arrangement of family photos on your mantel makes you feel sloppy or embarrassed, then I’ve crossed a line. I’ve put myself before you.

Just before he recites what I think is the most beautiful poem about the humility of Christ in Philippians chapter 2, Paul reminds us to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (vv. 3-4). Christ, then, is our example.

I like the New Living Translation of this, which reads, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”

In a similar vein, Paul writes to the Romans, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Read: don’t nonverbally criticize your friend’s housekeeping skills by color-coordinating her bookshelf or sweeping the kitchen when you visit. If she asks you to, that’s different.

Being neat and bringing chaos to order has its place, but not at the expense of relationships.

5 Tips to Remember

I’d like to share five practical tips for you and me to remember the next time our eyes go directly to the grease spot on the sweater of the woman at church—instead of to her grieving eyes that are begging for comfort.

To make it easy for you to remember, I'll use the acronym CLEAN. ;)

1) Confess your lack of self-control to God. Ask Him for help. Acknowledge your struggle with this tendency to fuss and fix, and ask for a spirit of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7).

2) Let people be more important than what's "perfect." Stop and consider how your actions may be perceived. If as a gift of help, then proceed. But if your tidying up sparks only discomfort or embarrassment rather than joy, then let it go. People come first (Philippians 2:3-4).

3) Keep an Eternal perspective. Ask yourself, is this the most important thing right now? Does this personal preference of mine have eternal value? (2 Corinthians 4:18).

4) Accept God’s grace. He sees your heart. He knows your struggle. Lay it before Him and remember how much He loves you (2 Corinthians 12:9).

5) Be Nice. If you truly love someone, please let them know they have spinach between their teeth—it’s just the right thing to do.

Note: It’s tempting to want to confuse perfectionism with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The Cleveland Clinic has a helpful article here that points out their similarities and differences. I am not claiming to be a professional or to provide correct terminology, diagnoses, or prescriptions. I’m just a fellow Christian, friend, and self-labeled perfectionist who wants to help you—and myself—get perspective on some of these persnickety preoccupations via the lens of Scripture.